Google Chat Archives

It's not like anyone,
not like it will end-
an expiration date on a service agreement.

Just so you know.

But the amendments-
and the meaning itself.
I suppose that could be up
for some legality debate.

So you should let me know.

Networking

I can't hang out at the water
cooler when I arrive
planning when to arrive
hoping to avoid
sudden solemn eyes.

You used to tell me
"It's the most important place to be."
and, since, our social networking
silently constructed online
only Facebook tells me that
you're doing fine.

It scares me.
I can't hang out at the water
cooler, since I made you go away.

Last Minute Requests

Send me something
just a little.
overnight mail for an
antique fiddle.

what were you doing?
oh, were you planning?
Please by Tuesday for my
antique fiddle.

None more in storage?
what shall we do.
I need this Monday
early Sunday, mail on Friday.

Persian wood, bamboo cover
tongue of swallow, toe of beaver
make me a new
antique fiddle.

must be perfect
must be clean.
must be a legend
of all antique fiddles.

gypsies found it
swept from Moroccan desert
sweat from Mercury
moistens the bow
Icelandic volcanic stone
was crafted as a case
strings now set
from tails of buffalo.
music accompanied visions of great
and Black Elk, greater still
and played softly to passing saints
the last our mother, Theresa

and since it has only been discovered
in overnight mail for an
antique fiddle.

Butterfly in the chancel

There!
trapped constantly and again
between thick ropes of light
within and around, always and always
all under the hands of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
our Savior.

the preacher said that morning:
"No matter our understanding!"
butterfly, keep flying.

For Phoebe, To Niger

For courage, faith, strength-
extend your heart between balanced arms
one mississippi, two mississippi, three mississippi for each.
for all.

Another commute

Tall man tall man
all that lank gets you all around
wrap around
squeeze around
tall man all around.

Last 20 Min of Work

I don't like this very much!
waiting, waiting WAITING
until I decide I've gone too far
coming back from waiting over lunch
and waiting, waiting WAITING
and considering all that can be considered
and a different way to consider and weigh.

Embarrassed

UNDER a bridge
is where I'd like to be!!!!
maybe it'd be easier
to inspire confidence in front of a mouse
before he scrambled away
in fear ha! he'd share my laugh.
his, pure jollity.

fancy funeral

a fancy funeral
to which we flew from New Bedford
forgetting to remember the financial constraints
finding meaning from frills and frocks
fastidiuosly without care.

Commute

sneaky seat sliding
followed me on the T?
sidle right up next to me.

In the beginning

was the word. And the word was God.
I thought this might all be different
easy even, for a scholar, friend like me
Who am I to consider myself that great.
and I've now been frustrated
with all those who seem so similarly sure.

I told them all the truth
about taking risks.
that is success.
I needed all this, all that has happened
I needed to know the word was God
to take even just one risk.

Senior Project Thesis

one more
and I know this one is the hardest
but you really only have one more
one more and that stage is yours
that stage is yours to honor your mother
prove to your father
that you can be, have been, will be a man.
the one always there for her.
one more
reason to be the hardest
but still just one more.

Thoughts At The End of Service

1.

I just hope I am not too excited for you!
because I know what it is like
to watch the mail
plan friends and projects and
the way you will change.
to imagine that first time
you felt more peace
felt more calm than ever.
it will be there even when
it will be there
you will be there to find it.

2.

I don't think a thousand years
would give me the time
to understand
to be ready.
think on my own
think and speak
confidence in diction, clarity and
passion.
I don't think I'll ever know enough to think
the right way.

When you become a mother without a mother

you'll hold him forever
you'll wait when he walks
too fast
wait

he'll grow up so fast
you'll have so much more than any mother-I know you're scared

but even the way you protect him now
the way you've protected yourself
hide him beneath your handbag
hidden your truth
but you won't hide the truth with him
and everything that could have been yours
I know you've already given
and every dream you should have had
is now dreamed for him.

Brother

Where have you been brother? Our mother.
It’s our mother.
And beyond that
I’m scared to tell you
I’m scared.
Because I am here alone now.
Because at least before
it was we.
Now I’ve had to find a way
and let him have his way.
I’ll have to share this child
because you gave me
no other way.
I can’t even tell you
not just scared, but you’ve left me
alone
illegal
alone.

Compiled Text Messages

Happy Thanksgiving it said peace to all
it said Merry Christmas I miss you and thank you.
it said good morning, good afternoon, goodnight-night night!
it said I believe.

it said I will be there, that's bananas, last one to go!
it said how are you, where are you, can you be here please, soon?
it said I believe.

it said smiley, smiley, !!! face send me the scholarship please?
it said I'm out of town, but I'll be back soon sorry I didn't say.
it said: your stud, Vinnis love mc thank you again cc.
it said I believe.

Gates Scholarship Sessions

Not everyone wins
everyone sat.
we sat-fingers fatigued, butts tired, eyes tired
and then we sat.
we felt heroic
who else was here at eight?
and we sat.
our fingers fatigued, butts tired, eyes tired
we were frustrated, this was overrated-we rated
we couldn't always feel possibility
we sat.
we got up.

Office

it was never really an office
that's why it fit
that's what made it ours
they kicked us out, and it was ours
Youa said there could have been a bomb, but it was ours
windows surrounded this place
but it was still our hideout
and it was the hideout of ours.
we got defensive when you waltzed through
add a chair, take a desk
we needed those in here.
this is where we told secrets
this is where we held secrets
concrete floors and walls, soak in all these secrets.

What I Learned from Mary and Vecky

Depressions come from expectations.
Expect you deserve too much
or you don't expect enough.

She knows what and when to expect
to work hard
to be confident
to have dreams
and to ask questions.
Everything else is extra
a night to herself
a scholarship won.
Deserved expectations.

I Believe

I used to think that I could be an answer. I used to think that I was creative, energized, idealistic, caring and smart. I used to think that I could create a relationship with anyone.

But I couldn’t be the answer.

I had called my students multiple times—left messages with parents and sisters. Only three showed up. What kind of curriculum can you do with three? How can you inspire friendship and common ground with three? How do you establish expectations when only three join you in the creation and discussion? It took me the first month, but I realized I needed a community.
I believe in community.

Without community those three who came on the first day felt like crutches to the program’s success. Though they had regular attendance for awhile, they soon didn’t want to come every time. Even when more students did come, they were there for themselves. No one asked each other their names. No one shared feelings or stresses from the day. One sat with her nose in a book at each session until I began to speak.

So I tried to find ways to force interaction as a part of the lesson. I said “let’s review on teams in a game.” I said “let’s first share our stresses from the day.” And some were ready for the change, but we were not ready as a community. We were not ready to be a community.

I didn’t realize that inspiring community required trust. I trusted my students’ reasons to be in the program. Certainly, I needed my students to trust me, but I also needed them to trust each other. I needed them to know and understand why their peers wanted to come and review the slope of the line—why they endured weekly prompts and four hour tests on Saturday mornings. It was a college preparation program, and it wasn’t always intended to be fun.

My students became the answer to the program’s success. They’d say “You never come to session. You need to apply to college.” They’d say “Have you talked to Caroline about the scholarship yet?” Interestingly, student attendance did not really improve, but student involvement did. I had more students in my office during the day—more students sending in scholarship applications through email.

I don’t often ask all of my students to be at a session, but for one recent lesson, I called them. It was the first time I had seen so many of them together at one time. It was also the first time when I had seen our group as a community. They called across the room to each other. They asked each other about prom. They knew each others’ names, and they discussed their stresses of the day. They caught each other up on their college acceptances and scholarship applications.

Community helped my students to achieve greater things than they ever imagined. Many will be the first to attend college in their families. All believe they will be better able to serve their communities with a college degree. I believe in the hard work, service and community that my students created to help each other. I believe in community.

This essay was written for the "This I Believe" Project. To participate or see more: thisibelieve.org.

Principal's Principle of Individual

The Principal
has all the principle.
Her principles guide
all other principles.

She has pride individual,
and she supports others, individual,
but this makes everyone individual.

If she believed in the community,
our work could be communal.
We could trust in this community.

And so our students work individual.
They ask questions only individual
and interest is purely individual.

But this individual
interest is also among teachers.
It is also the principle of
our leader, Principal.

And some students do succeed
individual from community.
But most students cannot
and because of their lonely individual
they become the other community.

So, when the Principal asks
of that community.
Demands of that community.
Wonders at the community.
It is a wonder she does not remember
her principle of individual.

Boys Always Want to Solve the Problem

you found the problem instantly
but that won't solve it instantly.
it's the future, you said
and I know,
not just next year
it's next week, tomorrow
it's dinner tonight.
and suddenly, I don't even know
that the sun is shining
over you and I
and soft voices accompany
guitars, harmonicas, fiddles
simple major chords.
I don't even know how to know
this happiness.
You know that is my secret.
It is all I have ever wished for.

Donkey Kong Helps With Scholarships

this future is a joke
when you only allow me
this joke.
this pride in me is your
pride in you and, worse, you've taken
my pride in me.

what kind of future do you
even see?
i know not one for me
but what do you even see
out there for you?

i will tell you
i will shock you
with what you've done because
this is what you do.

you have raped
you have stolen
you have stripped bare
exploited and left.
is this your counsel,
mighty guidance counselor?

at least before
this abuse was my abuse
but now, you've abused me,
exposing my abuse.

you took me in.
i had worked hard
and you promised something better
and i should have known then
it really wasn't for me.

but i saw that future.
you showed it to me.
and you made me shit on it.
you made me make that money dirty.
and it was no longer
about my hard work
it was no longer any A
or knowledge of ojibwe.

this was poor kid money.
this money was my abuse.
and no longer was i
stronger than most.
and no longer did i
have a future.

this money was never meant
for my higher education.
because that committee only
wanted
someone stronger than most.
someone with a future.

Untitled

Sunday night alone
though everyone is home.
it doesn't go anywhere
this conversation at dinner
it hardly goes anywhere
these tired thoughts, hopes.

We dreamt of freedom.
but we never saw it here.
we dreamt of a certain childhood.
That was this neighborhood,
this house.
that was why we painted
in our dining room.
that was the reason for furniture.

And perhaps this house is too big.
This furniture too plenty
this neighborhood too close
to the big city.
because we spend Sunday night,
it seems every night,
when everyone is home.